resilient life

  Now is where there is happiness… Peace is in this moment. Joy isn’t in the past. It is now. We can remember past joys, but, why borrow a feeling from yesterday when we can feel it today.  Joy isn't in the future. It is now. We can day dream and hope for a joy tomorrow may bring, but why wish for tomorrow's joy when we can feel it today. My Husband's cancer gave him 9 months and we got 28 together before he finally got the rest he earned after a long fight.  How much time did I spend worrying about his death when I could have been celebrating his life?  Be present. It is now that there is that possibility of joy.. You can find that peace now. Dance. Sing. Move. Tell your people you love them. Hug more. Speak kinder. Take that chance. Steal that kiss (consensually).  Carpe Diem, Seize the day. Cause you cant do anything with the past but remember and you cant do anything with the future but daydream or fret.  One day at a time friends.  xo

    Don’t over complicate things. Try not to plan the path further than you can see, too many paths and things change. Focus on where you are at this moment and where your foot is landing next. It was late May 2020, I was still working full time at the hospital and hubbs was still full time fighting his cancer. I was always worried about my next 5, 10, 50, and 1,000 steps… it was a waste of energy and only made me more frazzled. The path I was walking required me to continue to work, get my FMLA paperwork done, and make sure the hubbs got to his doctor appointments. His path was to drink water, eat well and rest. I spent a lot of time trying to peer into a crystal ball i didn't have. I was anxious and held my breath for the first 6 months of his diagnosis before I hit one of my first walls.  At this point he was still wiping his own booty and craving a beer once in a while. He wasn't really sick yet. I was trying to map out a plan for him being sick when I should have spe...

  "It's not the load that breaks you down: it's the way you carry it." — Lena Horne Are you kind to yourself? Do you place impossible expectations on yourself or do you feel like you are struggling to meet perceived expectations from others? I feel you. 3 years ago, I took on a lot and I was not kind to myself. Spent my days at the hospital, trying to be the very best nurse. No excuses. Had to be perfect. Ran errands in a COVID world. Maintained my 6 feet, wore my mask and washed my hands. No room for failing to be diligent in protecting myself and my family. Cared for the hubbs who was fighting cancer. Stiff upper lip. No crying. Be positive. Keep the house clean. Make sure he drinks his protein shake and takes his pills. After all that I’d beat myself up. Why didn't I go on that run. Why did I forget to make time for journaling/prayer. I should have walked the dog instead of just letting him out. We are not always kind to ourselves. Life happens, and sometimes y...

  Place your own face mask on before helping another passenger. Around this time in 2020 (late may) , The hubbs was home from the hospital. Four months into his chemo and radiation treatment we were getting into a routine that felt "normal". He was getting used to the chemo that was running in him 24/7 through his pump. No side effects so far but he was very sleepy between pain meds and fighting the good fight. My shifts at the hospital were 8 hours but easily turned into close to 10 sometimes. Even though, in the beginning, he was still independent, I was obsessively focused on him. Calling him every other hour just to make sure he took his meds or asking about pain or did you eat. COVID was still raging, so I couldn't ask our friends/family to babysit him at home. Even though he didn't need one, I was focused on being a good caregiver.  I neglected myself, during the worst of this... I stopped running, hadn't gone to the gym, gained 20 pounds, I wasn't journ...

  I never worried about death. It was always in the back of my mind that I would die, my partner would die, everyone dies. That is for a future me to worry about. Future me will deal with it. Cut to me as a nurse, I saw death, I saw people dying, but it was someone else. Not me. Not my husband or family. I got to know death a little more with nursing but it was still something far away in the future. Hubs received his diagnosis of terminal cancer in February 2020. Most with his cancer were dead in 9 months. Death wasn't far away anymore. I could count the days. I started to think a lot about death. A lot more. Was dying the worst, or was waiting to die the worst. What comes after…  What would he do if I got hit by a bus tomorrow? Planning for his death and planning for my own. Lawyers and advanced directives. Living wills and last wills. Suddenly every day, I was worrying about something that would eventually come and NOT spending the time i had. I was not dying. I am living. ...

  One day at a time…. Favorite least favorite saying. Full time nurse during the day, full time caregiver for hubbs at night. Taking it one day at a time.  Literally the only thing you can do when you feel overwhelmed.. Other than try and do some self care if you are able.  I did it, eventually.. I did it one day at a time. There were days I for sure put everything else before me, but, it burnt me out.  Hospital nurse, housekeeper, cook, dog walker, caregiver… and on top of all of it I was worrying about what could be coming and beating myself up over what i should/could have done better/different. The one day at a time is this day, this present moment is the only thing that matters. Yesterday is done with, it happened and is over. Tomorrow is tomorrow and there will always another tomorrow to worry about so we ought to choose this moment to focus on. If saying  “one day at a time” is too much, do it one hour at a time. If the hour seems too long and hard, Do it...