today we live

 I never worried about death. It was always in the back of my mind that I would die, my partner would die, everyone dies. That is for a future me to worry about. Future me will deal with it.

Cut to me as a nurse, I saw death, I saw people dying, but it was someone else. Not me. Not my husband or family. I got to know death a little more with nursing but it was still something far away in the future.

Hubs received his diagnosis of terminal cancer in February 2020. Most with his cancer were dead in 9 months. Death wasn't far away anymore. I could count the days.

I started to think a lot about death. A lot more. Was dying the worst, or was waiting to die the worst. What comes after…  What would he do if I got hit by a bus tomorrow? Planning for his death and planning for my own. Lawyers and advanced directives. Living wills and last wills. Suddenly every day, I was worrying about something that would eventually come and NOT spending the time i had. I was not dying. I am living. He was not actively dying. He was living with cancer. 

I got more than 9 months with him. I wish I didn't worry so much about death that was coming and focused more on the life that could have been spent doing more living.