resilient life

  The hubby is home and Im back at work. Work full time and caregiver full time. Luckily this 30 year old is able to hobble with a cane now from room to room, but, he is dependent on me for all of the day to day stuff. Getting him to appointments, cooking the food, cleaning, caring for the dogs, shoveling the snow (why in the hell is there snow in april?), all after i work my full time job. Life was pushing me to do more and I was pushing myself to do it, pushing to carry the heavy things by myself.. At that point, I thought I had to do it and I thought i could do it by myself. Looking back I feel blessed that I was able to help; blessed to be able to care for my partner. I wish that I wasn't pushing myself alone for so long, I wish I let others help pull me up... I wish i asked more for a pull. I didnt have to martyr myself in thinking I had to do this alone. All of the people around me would say “call if you need something” or “Im here if you need me”. I think what people want i...

  Its the beginning of April 2020 and hubbs is taking a turn for the better. We are seeing the chemo working without causing many side effects, he still has his hair and a good appetite even though losing 60 lbs. Between chemo and radiation his tumor has nearly disappeared, they are treating his cancer aggressively so he will continue on chemo and daily radiation for several more weeks. I'm seeing good signs, yet, I am holding my breath. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. We spend so much time worrying about what may come. We waste our present, our today, worrying about the terrible things that may happen. In retrospect, even with his cancer and the knowing of what could/would eventually be, i should have found more things to celebrate in those days.  Our present, this moment, is the only moment that matters. Yesterday is gone and never coming back, it does us no good to dwell on what was. Tomorrow never comes, there will always be a tomorrow. Right now is all we have....

We were a couple of weeks into his diagnosis of cancer and we were feeling stupidly hopeful. A naive dumpster fire meme, you know the one where the everything is on fire but you keep saying to yourself “yea… this is fine” lol He was in the hospital for a couple of weeks, going through tests, scans, and procedures. Taking it one day at a time with the hope of eventually getting home was keeping us going. Our favorite daily affirmation was “One day at a time”

February 18 2020 The first confirmed case of COVID in America was on February 20th, Shortly after my husband was diagnosed with a rare terminal cancer. I was a nurse and it was a scary time.