resilient life

  Place your own face mask on before helping another passenger. Around this time in 2020 (late may) , The hubbs was home from the hospital. Four months into his chemo and radiation treatment we were getting into a routine that felt "normal". He was getting used to the chemo that was running in him 24/7 through his pump. No side effects so far but he was very sleepy between pain meds and fighting the good fight. My shifts at the hospital were 8 hours but easily turned into close to 10 sometimes. Even though, in the beginning, he was still independent, I was obsessively focused on him. Calling him every other hour just to make sure he took his meds or asking about pain or did you eat. COVID was still raging, so I couldn't ask our friends/family to babysit him at home. Even though he didn't need one, I was focused on being a good caregiver.  I neglected myself, during the worst of this... I stopped running, hadn't gone to the gym, gained 20 pounds, I wasn't journ...

  I never worried about death. It was always in the back of my mind that I would die, my partner would die, everyone dies. That is for a future me to worry about. Future me will deal with it. Cut to me as a nurse, I saw death, I saw people dying, but it was someone else. Not me. Not my husband or family. I got to know death a little more with nursing but it was still something far away in the future. Hubs received his diagnosis of terminal cancer in February 2020. Most with his cancer were dead in 9 months. Death wasn't far away anymore. I could count the days. I started to think a lot about death. A lot more. Was dying the worst, or was waiting to die the worst. What comes after…  What would he do if I got hit by a bus tomorrow? Planning for his death and planning for my own. Lawyers and advanced directives. Living wills and last wills. Suddenly every day, I was worrying about something that would eventually come and NOT spending the time i had. I was not dying. I am living. ...

  One day at a time…. Favorite least favorite saying. Full time nurse during the day, full time caregiver for hubbs at night. Taking it one day at a time.  Literally the only thing you can do when you feel overwhelmed.. Other than try and do some self care if you are able.  I did it, eventually.. I did it one day at a time. There were days I for sure put everything else before me, but, it burnt me out.  Hospital nurse, housekeeper, cook, dog walker, caregiver… and on top of all of it I was worrying about what could be coming and beating myself up over what i should/could have done better/different. The one day at a time is this day, this present moment is the only thing that matters. Yesterday is done with, it happened and is over. Tomorrow is tomorrow and there will always another tomorrow to worry about so we ought to choose this moment to focus on. If saying  “one day at a time” is too much, do it one hour at a time. If the hour seems too long and hard, Do it...

  Gratitude is a path that makes this journey a little easier. You can hike through the forest and still get to your destination, but a clear path is definitely a more pleasant way to enjoy the scenery. Nursing during COVID was unpredictable, for nurses, standards and rules are important to maintain quality of care, you expected supplies to be there ready, and you had an idea of what to expect. Things changed sometimes by the hour and we were re-using masks when the standard was one use only and tossing out. My husband's cancer during this time was scary, we didn't know when a vaccine was going to come and masks and isolation were the only reliable ways to protect him.  Lots of self-help and motivational speakers, friends and family, were using tropes like “count your blessing” or “it could always be worse” It seemed callous. Gratitude seemed like a luxury for people that werent a nurse during covid or had a loved one fighting terminal cancer.  I learned over time that gr...